I’m Just a Girl, So Why M/M?

Cover of

Cover of Small Town Gay Bar

I would have thought that this topic was exhausted a long time ago, but I still get asked pretty frequently why it is I am so darn into M/M romance. I’ve even encountered the assumption that I’m probably the only woman who is.


So I was just watching a really interesting documentary called Small Town Gay Bar, about the only gay-friendly establishment in a small town in Mississippi. The interior of the bar had one of those flashing electronic signs, that read: “I don’t know why I like it, I just do.”

I think that more or less sums it up.

I mean, it’s pretty simple. Men are hot. More than one guy is even hotter. Just like, for many heterosexual men, two chicks together is practically the Holy Grail of sexual experiences.

And sure, if we dig deeper, it IS a little different. Not because we’re talking two men having sex instead of two women. Maybe because, by and large, women approach sex differently. Some women love the idea of men being sensitive together, being intimate, vulnerable. After all, even the most alpha of assholes can fall in love.

I’ve heard of women who are into M/M because they believe they were born as gay men trapped in womens’ bodies, or simply feel that it’s just another layer of their sexuality. Women who have emotional blocks because of some sort of violence in their past, and sex between gay men is safe because it’s strictly fantasy – something that is nonthreatening because by its very definition they can never be involved directly.  For some women it’s just the eye candy. Some women get a kick out of some of the generalizations about gay men being into clothes and gossip – something some of us would love our husbands to be into, but we know it’ll never happen. Maybe others just have a voyeur kink. Other theories I’ve read recently: gay men are more accessible, and they don’t have to worry about their gay friends leaving them for another woman the way they might with a boyfriend or a husband. M/M typically has a harder edge to it than m/f or f/f, and so on. I’m not stating any of this as gospel, these are just things I’ve gleaned from talking to other female fans of m/m.

In reality, I’m sure the reasons are as many and varied as the women who read the genre. Maybe it’s even because – stereotypically – gay men hit the gym more often, and we like the buffness. Well, hell, I think it’s safe to say we do like the buffness.

As a writer, I prefer to write from the male point of view, and I’ve been interested in m/m for as long as I can remember. It is not about jumping on the next hot genre bandwagon, as far as I’m concerned. I like that writing gay romance allows me to push boundaries and play with subject matter that I wouldn’t be allowed to in mainstream romance. There’s more freedom, and more fun, to stretch my creative legs. Larger than anything, goddammit, there’s the fact that everyone deserves their happily ever after.

On a personal level it’s brought me back to being involved in the gay community. Kinda in a fringey way, but still. Back when I was younger and went from dating girls to dating a guy I made the assumption that I wouldn’t be welcome in my local LGBT community anymore. Right or wrong, I don’t know. Still, I regret that I withdrew.

As a reader, there’s a lot to plain and simple fact that naked guys are hot, and they’re even hotter when they’re naked together. Yeah – that totally works for me. Not to mention, some of the best writers I’ve read write in the gay romance genre. Period. Some of those other reasons are in there for me as well, I guess. I haven’t honestly  taken too much time to consider it, because the bottom line applies: I just do.

22 thoughts on “I’m Just a Girl, So Why M/M?

    • Absolutely!! You can’t beat hot guys getting sweaty together. 🙂

      It was a great documentary, wasn’t it? I’ve lived most of my life in big cities and it was very eye-opening to see what it was like to be gay in a small town.

  1. In some ways, it’s an odd question – or at least, as odd as asking why a person likes romance, or fantasy, or paranormal or any other genre. It’s just a matter of taste. And, yes, hot guys are hot – especially when there’s more than one of them!

    • I agree that it’s an odd question, but for some people it is clearly hard to fathom. Why women like romance doesn’t seem to be hard to wrap their brains around, but women liking gay romance? All the time when I tell people what I write, I get these funny looks followed by “What on earth made you want to do that?” There seems to be a tenacious but clunky-old mentality that only gay men should be interested in gay romance. But hey – I’m with you – let’s hear it for the hot guys!

  2. I have a close friend who’s gay and I can tell you you hit it spot on! Plus, guys are hot!! To see two men who aren’t afraid to show how much they love each other is so romantic.

  3. Well, I started writing m/m mostly by accident, but I have to admit I prefer writing from the male pov, too. As for reading, most (not all) gay romances have a ‘cough’ harder 😉 edge to them — I have read some m/m that’s sickeningly sweet and that isn’t what I’m looking for. I’ll read m/f (and m/m/f), but I prefer books where the female is strong and there’s a percentage of romances, erotic or otherwise, that still fall back on the female needing a male rescuer. You have two people of the same sex and it sort of levels the playing field, making for interesting stories. I also dislike a lot of the slang used for female anatomy so I’m disgruntled the moment it’s used.

    Having said all that, yeah, it’s also the guys, of course. I think women who like m/m have a variety of reasons, but for many it just a great love of men. 🙂

  4. Hi Ellis,

    You followed me on Twitter and I’m following back and of course, I clicked on your blog.

    The thing about men in love is just beautiful to me. Seeing too men, sharing a kiss, warm compassion after tension is total bliss.

    We, as women, write m/m for a multitude of reasons. Mine is I love doing what is taboo but that’s not the most important reason. I feel that the emotion shared between two men is so much more sexier than any m/f moment. It is something unexpected. Writing and reading about manlove is my passion.

    I do M/F, but sparingly. My M/F novel even has gay characters.

    • Thanks for stopping by!! I agree with you completely. I think the harder edge and the relationship dynamics between to men are beautiful. Not that it isn’t between men and women or even women and women as well, but…I’ve realized that I love a romance between two men the most. And I write gay characters in my m/f stories too!

  5. Hrm…yeah. Tried to explain it to the ex once, by asking him why he liked lesbian sex, and then turning it around to fit my POV. There are many and varied reasons why he’s an ex. Not getting into it.

    Point is I’m also at a loss to explain the WHYS. It pushes buttons for me, thinking about attractive men doing naughty things with each other. I think you’ve pretty well hit a bullseye with your explanation, so I won’t try to add to it. Well-said.

    Think next time someone asks me why I’m into m/m, I’ll turn it around on them and ask why they aren’t. 🙂

    • Thanks!! Yeah it’s a hard question to answer, and the fact that it boggles so many peoples’ minds is amazing to me, but it does. When I first posted this article I got HUNDREDS of hits – clearly folks are really curious about it. And like I said, I think the reasons are as varied as we are, but the bottom line is, it’s just hot. 😛 I’d love to see how people respond when you ask them why they’re not into it. 😉

  6. Pingback: Boys Do It, Girls Do It… | M/M Romance by Ellis!

  7. Great post!

    I write it because I love writing about the struggles for gay men to be accepted and how my characters deal with it. That would be the grown up answer. The girly one, man sex is just hotter than m/f and well, I love to challenge myself by writing something that I, myself, cannot do.


  8. I totally agree and am asked that question way too much as well. Bottom line is, we do love me, and we love to see sexy men together. Why is that so confusing for anyone? great post! GA

      • Thanks, GA!! Yes, we love men, men are hot, and they’re even hotter together. It’s funny, my best friend read this post and afterward he scratched his head and said “I still don’t get it.” LOL! I think for some people, guys in particular, it’s hard for them to get the idea of sex that by its very nature a woman can only participate in as a voyeur. Psychologically, for women, the fantasy is often as good as the orgasm. And yeah, sexy men being sexy together? Nuff said. 🙂

  9. What I find interesting is the repetition of history here for writers. Women writers suffered all sorts of prejudice early on – women couldn’t think clearly enough to write, you see, and were only suited for certain “types” of writing – how to books for other women, words of advice for young wives, perhaps the occasional children’s story. Many groundbreaking women writers were labeled as “unnatural” and “mannish” because they craved intellectual, literary pursuits.

    The world (mostly) got over that – and then the fight moved into science fiction. Women couldn’t possibly understand math and science, and therefor couldn’t write “real” SF. Women writers were told by publishers and agents to write under initials (C.J. Cherryh) or pseudonyms (Andre Norton, who was actually Mary Norton.) There was no room for us in the boys’ club. No girls allowed.

    And here we are again, being told what we should and should not write. I’m not offended when someone tells me I shouldn’t or doesn’t understand why I do. It’s simply history winding around again. I salute the brave women who came before and hope I can, in some small way, emulate them.

    • Angel, you’re so right, and that’s an excellent attitude! You and I can write gay romance openly as women because of the ones who did it before us. There are some genres, such as gay lit, that are still struggling I’m told to accept women authors. We’ll get there. Thanks for stopping by!!

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