Boys Do It, Girls Do It…

(Just a little note here: I know folks have strong opinions on this topic, but I wrote this article in a lighthearted spirit and I hope readers will take it as such.)

So I’m thinking today about penises. Okay, fine, you over there snickering in the peanut gallery–I write erotic romance, so I actually think about them quite a lot. What to do with them, cute names for them, clinical names, sexy names, synonyms for the stuff that comes out of them and the places you put them. Whether or not said schlong belongs on a supernatural being and as such whether or not I need to glove the love. Is that supernatural being circumcised? And so on. But I’m getting so, so off track here, as I tend to do…

The question is, does not having one help or hinder my ability to write M/M??

So awhile back I wrote an article about why women love to read and write M/M. I had no idea this was still such a topic of interest but it managed to score head and shoulders above any other article I’ve ever, ever posted in terms of hits, comments, and retweets so I guess it’s still a topic of some interest. And hey, why not? As one very good friend of mine recently pointed out, there’s inherently nothing for women in a relationship between to men, so why would they be so into that? I get that it’s a little confusing. But hey, it is what it is.

And the problem that I run into sometimes as a woman who writes M/M, is that there are people (mostly men) who don’t feel that women should write in the genre. That many of us are doing it badly or are doing it for the wrong reasons. Oddly, I was reminded the other day that there’s a funny little flip-side to this argument: many folks (mostly women) do not believe that men should write M/M, either.

What’s that, you say? Well if you’re nodding along with that statement then you’re one of those women and I don’t need to explain. For those of us who don’t quite get it, here’s what I think it boils down to: emotion. I guess the idea is that M/M is supposed to be emotionally driven and that women are inherently more emotional than men, and hence better suited to write the genre (which of course we know, statistically, IS female dominated) because we all know that men are emotionally unavailable. ūüėõ Hmm.

So this got me thinking…if I take apart the various points of view a little…

M/M is all about emotion? So this gets into that whole topic of gay romance vs. M/M romance, and I have to be honest, I don’t always feel like I’m smart enough to know the difference. I’ve read a lot of varying definitions of what M/M vs “gay” means in fiction and I’m still confused. However, I’ve known plenty of men who are emotional. My husband’s best friend gives a speech? Everyone in the room starts crying including him, and he’s the biggest, most masculine Spanish guy I’ve ever known. Conversely, plenty of women (including, I’ll admit, yours truly) have difficulty accessing their emotions and those of their characters. My critique partner has hassled me in the past for not getting deep enough into the emotional connection between my characters. And he’s an actual, card-carrying gay man. Yes, I’ve checked. ūüėČ

Then there’s the question of realism and accuracy…well, I think the bottom-line always is that we’re reading fiction. I’ve seen women use unrealistic sexual positions and scenarios in M/M, but I’ve seen men do it too, and I think to a degree that’s become accepted as standard in the genre.  Also there is a wide, wide variety of people in this world. My husband, for example, is extremely romantic. Extremely emotional. Yes, I’m a lucky girl. But if I were to write him into an M/M novel, I’m betting I’d get a finger or two wagged at me for committing the deadly “chicks with dicks” sin, because he falls outside the “norm” of male emotional behavior.

I’ve read M/M that I thought was well and poorly-written by both male and female authors. I do admit, I shy away from judging the relationship dynamics in M/M written by guys. I figure, I’ve never dated a gay man AS a man, so who am I to judge? Maybe they’re writing from personal experience. I can think the relationship doesn’t make for a very interesting story, but that’s a little bit different.

So who’s right? Damned if I know. Everyone? No one? All of the above? I mean, not me, that’s for sure–to this day I’m amazed that someone saw it fit to give me a college degree for crying out loud. My favorite authors in the genre are both male and female, I know that much.

Personally, it’s all about preference. With reading, just like with sex, it’s all about what gets you off. You, and nobody else.

I’m Just a Girl, So Why M/M?

Cover of

Cover of Small Town Gay Bar

I would have thought that this topic was exhausted a long time ago, but I still get asked pretty frequently why it is I am so darn into M/M romance. I’ve even encountered the assumption that I’m probably the only woman who is.


So I was just watching a really interesting documentary called Small Town Gay Bar, about the only gay-friendly establishment in a small town in Mississippi. The interior of the bar had one of those flashing electronic signs, that read: “I don’t know why I like it, I just do.”

I think that more or less sums it up.

I mean, it’s pretty simple. Men are hot. More than one guy is even hotter. Just like, for many heterosexual men, two chicks together is practically the Holy Grail of sexual experiences.

And sure, if we dig deeper, it IS a little different. Not because we’re talking two men having sex instead of two women. Maybe because, by and large, women approach sex differently. Some women love the idea of men being sensitive together, being intimate, vulnerable. After all, even the most alpha of assholes can fall in love.

I’ve heard of women who are into M/M because they believe they were born as gay men trapped in womens’ bodies, or simply feel that it’s just another layer of their sexuality. Women who have emotional blocks because of some sort of violence in their past, and sex between gay men is safe because it’s strictly¬†fantasy¬†– something that is¬†nonthreatening because¬†by its very definition they can never be involved directly. ¬†For some women it’s just the eye candy. Some women get a kick out of some of the generalizations about gay men being into clothes and gossip – something some of us would love our husbands to be into, but we know it’ll never happen. Maybe others just have a voyeur kink. Other theories I’ve read recently: gay men are more accessible, and they don’t have to worry about their gay friends leaving them for another woman the way they might with a boyfriend or a husband. M/M typically has a harder edge to it than m/f or f/f, and so on. I’m not stating any of this as gospel, these are just things I’ve gleaned from talking to other female fans of m/m.

In reality, I’m sure the reasons are as many and varied as the women who read the genre. Maybe it’s even because – stereotypically – gay men hit the gym more often, and we like the buffness. Well, hell, I think it’s safe to say we do like the buffness.

As a writer, I prefer to write from the male point of view, and I’ve been interested in m/m for as long as I can remember. It is not about jumping on the next hot genre bandwagon, as far as I’m concerned. I like that writing gay romance allows me to push boundaries and play with subject matter that I wouldn’t be allowed to in mainstream romance. There’s more freedom, and more fun, to stretch my creative legs. Larger than anything,¬†goddammit, there’s the fact that everyone deserves their happily ever after.

On a personal level it’s brought me back to being involved in the gay community. Kinda in a fringey way, but still. Back when I was younger and went from dating girls to dating a guy I made the assumption that I wouldn’t be welcome in my local LGBT community anymore. Right or wrong, I don’t know. Still, I regret that I withdrew.

As a reader, there’s a lot to plain and simple fact that naked guys are hot, and they’re even hotter when they’re naked together. Yeah – that totally works for me. Not to mention, some of the best writers I’ve read write in the gay romance genre. Period. Some of those other reasons are in there for me as well, I guess. I haven’t honestly ¬†taken too much time to consider it, because the bottom line applies: I just do.